Monday, June 15, 2015

Get Up

Woke up to the Star-Spangled Banner and reveille blasting over loudspeakers. Life on the naval base makes me feel like I'm in a sci-fi story... Or "The Giver."

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Downsizing

God has a sense of humor. I packed too much last night. I felt pressured to pack quickly and ended up bringing most of what I own. It all fit in--all 44 lbs. of it. This morning, after wrestling the items and lugging them to the counter, I walked away, one rolling suitcase lighter, but laden with my overnight purse (that can carry enough rations for a small army). I looked down to check my phone in the midst of everything. It was open to a chapter in an e-book. The title of the chapter was "The Blessedness of Possessing Nothing."

Bringing all my items may turn out to be a blessing in disguise. I may need to downsize.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Bienvenue a La Baguette

I began pretending the pastry chef, Maggie, has Tourette's. The only words Maggie has spoken to me are "Don't touch my cart" and "You need to put that cart away where it goes." Aside from that, she can't seem to say a sentence without the F-word. She may cuss more than anyone I've heard. (And I grew up in a construction office.) So I've begun pretending she has Tourette's. I explained this to Beau, the cake chef, because I thought it was funny, but he misunderstood and thought I was complaining about her in a passive-aggressive way. He began trying to give me advice: "Working with Maggie is a lot like being in prison. You have to tell her to fuck off to her face to get her to respect you." Oh, well.

Then there is Sarah, who is funny and sharp but who really likes men. She informed me that if she likes a guy, he's a criminal. A guy came in that she thought was attractive: "Definitely a criminal." She tells me about how much she loves red beards. And her love of Chuck Norris. She brings him up often. I think I'm going to start praying for a ruddy-bearded man for her with an awesome roundhouse kick.

In the afternoons, there is a lady named Kim who works there. Kim evidently spends a good chunk of time complaining about mice. (There are mice in this bakery. I haven't seen one yet, but there are little traps throughout.) Earlier this week, Kim found a mouse in one of the traps. And she felt bad for it and set it free.

My boss is a short man whose eyes twinkle. But he says sexually inappropriate things. It doesn't always seem creepy, it just seems... like he's French and is used to a culture where you can cure plumber's crack by telling the person, "Either show the whole thing or don't show anything!" (On a side note, my co-worker mentioned that she thought our boss had questionable boundaries. I don't know what to make of all this.) He told me he used to build swimming pools when someone suggested having a bakery. After enough prodding, he agreed to do it and taught himself how to bake everything. He's been in business 27 years. "Some things sell, some things don't." Today, he said, "It's like anything. You make a mistake and you learn." Aside from the uncomfortable male-female relations, I like him on the whole.

Aside from all of this, I feel like I'm in a movie. The automated bakery rack creaks and groans with every revolution. There's a hum with all the pastry case lighting. They play French cafe music. My owner yells at his daughter in French, who angrily yells back in French. I sit and drink my coffee and eat pastries and watch this all unfold.

I cleaned the entire store today. Well, much of it. Business was slow this morning. At 8:30 AM, Sarah informed me that I now know all there is to know about the job. From this point, I simply have to master what I've learned thus far.  Whether I stay there longer than two weeks, I don't know. But for now, this is where I am. So I'm going to own it. Tomorrow I intend to clean the top of the bread racks. I'd like to rearrange and take some things down, but I'm not sure whether that would be welcome or not. But I did what I could: I cut fresh lavender for the counter and dusted the dried flowers and cleaned off fans and cake racks and the tops of things that nobody ever notices. (This might be a holdover from my dad coming in on Saturday morning: "Why hasn't anyone cleaned the top of the refrigerator?" "Umm, dad, we can't see up there.") As I stood there on the top of the ladder, thoughts flitted through my head--thoughts of "If I've learned all there is to know in a week, will this be able to hold my interest for the next bit?" and "even though this has a great schedule that allows for my Tuesday and Sunday commitments, will it be worth it?" and "waking up this early is hard if I need to get a second job..."

In spite of all this, I'm sorta excited to be there tomorrow.

Sunday, April 06, 2014

Adventures in Lampshades

I have found a lampshade. Two times I have gone to Goodwill or someplace similar. Two times I have come home with additional things for this house.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

If a Tree Farts in the Woods

One of the funniest things about living in a house of girls: the number of times I've heard, "Don't come in here--I just farted." Or "don't go in there!"

Landmines are everywhere.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Sandpaper

Tonight is a rough night.

I feel very alone tonight. It'll get better, and things will get better. But right now I'm feeling like, "Who are all these people? These aren't my people. Why am I here? Why am I not back in Washington?"

My family feels distant and foreign, and I feel distant and foreign, too... And I wish I had something to hug.

At one point, I was okay with all of this. But I don't feel that way right now. I feel broken and despairing. And hollow, which is different than empty.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Goodbye, little lime house..

Left the little lime house tonight. We sang Christmas carols while I mopped her floors. (Turns out I know all the words to the "12 days of Christmas" song, except what comes on the 12th day...)

`You were a good place. My little lime house, I had expectations for you. Ones that weren't fair. I think I expected so much that I didn't appreciate you for what you were. The first part, I desperately wanted you to be a home for community. I wanted you to be a place for me to come, grow, and what-not... But perhaps... During the second part, I expected you to simply be a place to sleep. I barely spent time loving you, little house. And I missed out because of it.

Little lime house, we had some good times. I remember reading at the long table, sipping on tea, while the dog ran around the backyard.

I remember your little citrus tree. And your turquoise metal doors.


Little lime house, you witnessed a lot. But you also saw growth. You saw creative ventures. You saw the beginnings of relationships, good and bad...

Saturday, November 30, 2013

November 30, 2011

And so a last morning in the garden room, sitting and watching sunrise, and wondering how in the world I accumulated more stuff.

"In His hand are the deep places of the earth; the strength of the hills is his also. The sea is his, and he made it: and his hands formed the dry land." ~ Psalm 95: 4-5

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

You

To a boy who is exceedingly lovely,

There is a strong gentleness in the arms of one who's loved...

With eyes the color of understanding...

And knowing hands...

He laughs deeply, throwing his head back and laughing toward the sky...

And all his lines are beautiful...

This is a relationship unlike any other. There isn't that crazy, mad "I am sharing the rest of my knowledge of myself with you"... He said, "There is time for that. That's what this is."

 Needless to say, I've learned he likes the color of paprika...

And the plainest of spaghetti...

And he's not tame.

And I'm learning I have no desire to tame him.

With his love that could turn tides...

Who loves like You.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Bits

Sometimes you share a piece of your heart, and it comes back more whole than it was before.

Friday, October 04, 2013

Playing with Fire

I'm going to learn how to weld! Today, DuWayne and Billie came into work. They asked about my trip and I told them a bit, and I want to tell them more... But as we were talking, I blurted out, "Would you teach me how to weld? I think I'd have to learn all over again because it's been so long..." I've been thinking of it the past few days. I've been thinking of it ever since Hunter told me that he's becoming a trucker and hitting the road. The Holy Spirit really captured my attention and put this desire in my heart. (Or unveiled it.)

And Billie smiled and laughed and said, "He'd love to." And DuWayne said, "Yes!" and started talking to me about what helmet to buy and which gloves work best for little hands. And as this was going on, the kid working next to me, Ty, started singing, "I Can Only Imagine."

I have a deep longing to do something creative. I didn't realize how deep a need this is...

The beginning of an adventure...

Tuesday, October 09, 2012

A Sailor's Moment of Clarity

So, just had a moment of clarity on the drive home. I don't want to mess around with this. (Yes, this is vague.) There's been too much good stuff.

And so I spent the car ride home, singing a shanty of my own creation:

"Don't spend your time
Hugging boat anchors.
You'll fall to the bottom of the seeeeaaaa.....

Don't spend your time
Hugging boat anchors.
You'll fall... to the bottom.... of the seeeeaaaa....

You'll fall...
You'll fall...
You'll fall....
You'll fall....
You'll fall.... to the bottom... OF THE SEEEEAAAAA!!!!

Don't spend your time
Hugging boat anchors.
You'll fall... to the bottom... of the seeeeaaaa!!!!"

(There was a part about "the bottom of the sea" and that it's not where "you want to be," but the ride home was far too short to work this part in well. And I was having too much fun.)

Friday, September 28, 2012

Fort-the-tude?

There are plenty of songs about moving on. And so I'm changing the words to "I'm staying here.... Oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm staying here."

The rest of it now sounds like a lesson in fortitude.

Plague-d

At home with the plague. I started out my day going to work, but I started getting cold sweats. After the third cold sweat, I figured I should tell my manager. She stepped away from me as I told her. Then sent me home.

(It may have had something to do with the health drink I made. On days that I'm not scheduled to eat until after lunch but arrive to work hungry, I drink Fat-boy Hot Chocolates. Fat-boy Hot Chocolate is standard hot chocolate, except it's made with Half-and-half. My co-worker "invented" them and named them that. My thinking: if I drink one of those, then I'm not hungry through the rush. ;))

On a side note, it feels odd to tell your employer, "I feel fine, I just keep breaking out in these cold sweats and then feel like I'm going to be sick." In retrospect, that sorta downplays the "I feel fine" portion of it. But it's true. When I'm not feeling bad, I feel pretty good. (There's logic for you.)

(Yesterday, there was a guy wearing a t-shirt that said something about logic is "the ability to be wrong with confidence." I like that.)

So, anyway, I am here, bored, making silly videos on my computer while I lay in bed, and watching interviews of Mel Gibson. (Good story, but a long story.)

Needless to say, I'm probably going to spend this next portion rambling. (Now, there's something new!) If you have something better to do, skip over it.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Isaiah 58

As fresh over here as it was on Washington Street.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Faith

God has a plan for me.

I felt it strongly. When Patty was talking. And last night, Theresa e-mailed again. And it felt like confirmation, like He really does have a plan.

I will trust and continue on.

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you,
says the Lord,
thoughts of peace and not of evil,
to give you a future and a hope.
Then you will call upon Me
and go and pray to Me
and I will listen to you.
And you will seek Me
and find Me,
when you search for Me with all your heart." ~Jer. 29:11

Monday, September 10, 2012

For me...

Spent the other night talking with my friend about how God has someone for her. And I think, "That couldn't possibly be for me." But it is for me.

And  right now, somewhere, there is a young man, brushing his teeth or reading a book. And he's the person God has in mind for me.

That's an incredible thing to think.

Thought for the Morning

You can't lead others where you won't go.

Sunday, September 02, 2012

Psalm 34

I will bless the Lord at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul shall make its boast in the Lord;
The humble shall hear of it and be glad.
Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
And let us exalt His name together.

I sought the Lord, and He heard me,
And delivered me from all my fears.
They looked to Him and were radiant,
And their faces were not ashamed.
This poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him,
And saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him,
And delivers them.

Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good;
Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
Oh, fear the Lord, you His saints!
There is no want to those who fear Him.
The young lions lack and suffer hunger;
But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing.

Come, you children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
Who is the man who desires life,
And loves many days, that he may see good?
Keep your tongue from evil,
And your lips from speaking deceit.
Depart from evil and do good;
Seek peace and pursue it.

The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
And His ears are open to their cry.
The face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
To cut off the remembrance of them from the earth.

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears,
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.

Many are the afflictions of of the righteous,
But the Lord delivers him out of them all.
He guards all his bones;
Not one of them is broken.
Evil shall slay the wicked,
And those who hate the righteous shall be condemned.

California

Cucumber Mint lemonade. "I know the plans I have for you." Topanga beach and tide pools. My one. Lost in Beverly Hills. Dusty Rose furnishings. Russian Orthodox Iconography. Breakfast at Auntie Em's. Roadside Filming. Pasadena Back-ways. House of Prayer. Roots and paintings and welcoming sinners home. Art of Prophecy. Patti and asking Him to speak. Easels and Linnea Spransy. Judy and John. Cheryl Allen. Late-night slumber party. Elephants and dogs that reason. Louisiana chicken, seafood and donuts. Early parking lot friend. David Brymer and worship. Listening to God. Evening intercession. Microphone and cheryl. Praying with new friend. Summer. Glasses place. Expensive hurdles. Santa Monica. Dragon Boat and 8-year-olds. Ferris Wheel. Captain and Octopus bimaculoides. Summer's work. Airport. Tracey Bickle and Bitterness. Ants. Spontaneous prayer from a new friend. City of Walnut. The Farm Store and Pomona. Vineyards and fruitfulness. Walnut. The Well. Alli. Psalm 34. Mighty Ducks and Carmen Sandiego. Reality LA. Reel Inn Coffee. Griffith Observatory. Speed of Sound. Carbon Ribs. Topanga and God conversations. Pelicans and people. Mulholland and injured rabbits and all-night vets. Pepe and mite advice. Lavender body scrub. Lavanderia. Guess what? Charlton and Theresa. Late-night prayers. God is good. God moves. Grilled cheese, Scallions and Ben and Jerry's. An ounce of flesh. Squash Blossom Quesadillas. Church of Scientology. Beck and Bjork and Van Morrisson. White bougainvilleas. Mason. Old house/new house. Topanga Beach. Zebra barnacles and hairy sea life. Vibrant Rainbows. Dancing in the Moonlight at Shell. Benjamin Dunn and new house dreams.

Wednesday, August 08, 2012

Tonight Is...

 I'm sitting here, listening to a Cat Power song that I haven't heard since I left the house on Washington St. And it makes my heart feel a bit raw and tender, and all I can think is, I'm really excited to grow through all these things that I've put off. And He is so good that He gives me an opportunity to do this. He is so good.

And I want to know His heart more because of it...

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Haunted

"Believers are not those who dabble in an idea to see if it's interesting. Believers are those whose soul is so aglow with the idea that they live it into life. We call them 'obsessed,' but, as a matter of fact, they're not obsessed; they're haunted by possibilities the rest of us cannot yet see--except through them." ~Joan Chittister, Becoming Fully Human

Thursday, April 27, 2006

"To wait open-endedly is an enormously radical attitude toward life. So is to trust that something will happen to us that is far beyond our imaginings. So, too, is giving up control over our future and letting God define our life, trusting that God moulds us according to God's love and not according to our fear. The spiritual life is a life in which we wait, actively present to the moment, trusting that new things will happen to us, new things thar are far beyond our own imagination, fantasy or prediction. That, indeed, is a very radical stance in a world preoccupied with control."

-Henri J. Nouwen

Monday, October 17, 2005

And It Will Be Good

In a few minutes, I'll shut off this computer. I'll fold up the blankets twisted around me, throw on some sneakers, and begin dragging my belongings to my car.

The last few days have been interesting. No, more to the point, the last year has been interesting. I moved to Washington exactly six months ago yesterday. Now I'll move to Washington again. Sometimes I'm not entirely sure why I do the things I do.

Beau pointed me to a passage in Psalms, Psalms 37:4:Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Oftentimes people cannot elucidate the deepest desires of their heart, Beau explained. The verse starts with loving a God that knows us inside and out. And, in doing so, God, because of who He is, gives us an unearnable gift, that loving God will confirm our deepest desires because God is the one who put those longings there in the first place.

But it begins with loving God.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Relax

This morning I left my house at 10:20, which would put me exactly ten minutes late for church. But the grass held green orbs of dew and the trees shed red, pointy tears all over the highway, and I didn't much feel like going to church anymore.

So I drove past old rusty barns and scraggly dwarf horses.

Along patient evergreens and down to the sleepy harbor.

Went to the Farmer's Market and substituted the bread and wine for a marionberry danish and a bag of Concord grapes. Yet the morning was sacred.

The more I wandered, the more apparent it became that I needed to calm myself. To breathe. That these questions do not require great tragedy, and truth is found everywhere.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Such Great Heights

Today's message from the guru: "The beat of your heart is the rhythm of your soul." Start off the morning with a jazzy feel as your arhythmic soul gets down and boogies. My heart beats ta-ta-TUM-tum, TUM-ta-ta-TUM-tum. Every so often it skips like a record, throwing the tas for tums and the TUMS for tums...

This is a good morning.

Last night was a good night. Talked to Hunter, Morgann, and Beau.

Hunter can sit on the porch of his new house and hear church bells on Sunday mornings. And relax on his cookie monster carpeting near his fireplace. Hopefully, I'll get to crash out on that carpeting sometime soon--I'd like to see that kid.

Morgann is coming up to Washington next week to spend some quality time with me and my new roommates.

Beau's making bold moves and even bigger strides. He's been swooping wildly with a dry paint brush, but it sounds like he's bending down to take up paint.

I've made some good friends over the years, friends of whom I'm completely undeserving.

Thank you, my friends. You help me float.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Responsibilities of Transition

Finally told Scott I'm moving out. And he did it, what I feared.

He looked really somber and asked straight-out: "Am I uninviting?"

And so I sat there, stammering about how I think it'd be a good opportunity and it's something I feel I should do.

Friday, October 07, 2005

How Donald Miller Changed My Life

Belleylaugh [1:02 AM]: Would you like to hear a strange bedtime story?
M2lee [1:02 AM]: hey. uh,.. sure
Belleylaugh [1:04 AM]: It's more like a strange coincidence, but you can't ask if people want to hear a strange bedtime coincidence 'cause that implies all sorts of things...
M2lee [1:05 AM]: gotcha
Belleylaugh [1:06 AM]: A bit of history you remember: Last year I was in Bookman's and found a book called Blue Like Jazz, which struck me at the right time 'cause it was when I was just beginning to seriously consider Christianity again.

[From another thread:] Now, that book affected me very powerfully. Not necessarily because of how it was written, but just some of the points he makes... This idea that there were other people, "thinking Christians", out there, which, for a small time, was the only bond confronting a tidal wave of alienation.

M2lee [1:06 AM]: check
Belleylaugh [1:07 AM]: Okay, so fast forward through a lot of life--being a Christian again, BS (Bible Study), you and dann, quitting school, no idea, moving to Washington, living in cabin, roommate moving in and looking for a place, no idea what I'm doing, go to Arizona, return to Washington, go to church last Sunday...
M2lee [1:07 AM]: check
Belleylaugh [1:08 AM]: Okay, at church last Sunday, this girl named Joy approached me, basically asking if I wanted to move in with her and her roommate, Justin. Their roommate, Shawn, is moving to New York in the middle of the month. Joel and I went to lunch that day, and afterwards I visited the house...
M2lee [1:08 AM]: [was Joy's question] out of the blue? or do you know them?
Belleylaugh [1:09 AM]: I vaguely know them. She had invited me to a bible study at their house that they have on Thursday nights, but other than that and "how was your week" conversation on Sundays, we didn't know each other.
Belleylaugh [1:10 AM]: Anyway, I knew after I visited the house that if I moved there, I would be challenged to grow and lose a lot of my assumptions... But that's what I wanted--to grow, to continue try to, anyway...
Belleylaugh [1:10 AM]: So I hesitated, but yesterday I really felt that I should move into this house, and so I called them up and told them I'd do it.
M2lee [1:10 AM]: nice
Belleylaugh [1:11 AM]: And we played phone tag all day, and finally they invited me to the bible study tonight. So I get off work just in time to run down there. I race over and get there. Don, my pastor, is there, and Justin, the roommate I met for five minutes...
Belleylaugh [1:12 AM]: Anyway, we have Bible Study and I'm feeling a bit awkward, but getting more and more comfortable...
Belleylaugh [1:13 AM]: And the whole time I'm thinking, this is the community I want to live in... Sorta like when Don Miller describes it in Blue Like Jazz...
M2lee [1:13 AM]: cool beans!
Belleylaugh [1:14 AM]: And then Joy mentions her best friend, Penny, whose real name was "Plenty" 'cause she was born in a commune, and I put two-and-two together... It felt like the sort of community because it's the exact same community. My roommate, Joy, is friends with Donald Miller and her best friend, Penny, is in the book....
[In a different thread... I'm all excited, people, so please excuse the fact that I'm telling all my friends about this:] Lindsay says:
Yes... But what's crazy is that I was sitting there with this feeling excited because I was part of an answer to Joy's prayers--the grant she had was pulled, so she doesn't have a job and desperately needs a roommate to take over after Shaun moves out... But when I realized all this, the connection, I realized they were just as much an answer to mine...

Thursday, October 06, 2005

How It Feels

God said we'd fly kites. Early on Sunday, we assembly-lined peanut butter and jelly, loaded a cooler with sugary drinks, and sang along with the radio a little too loudly...

So we stand in this field, and God's holding the kite, and, because I know what's next, I take off running with my little string end. But nothing happens. There's no lift-off, no drowning in a sea of sky blue.

"What happened? I did it just like they do on TV," I wonder.

And I don't get a response, just a little smile that tells me I should be patient and wait for wind.

A Bird In Hand...

Forfeiting imaginary birds for imaginary birds. Clenched my fist around a bright reflection because I believed it to be real. Slowly, I relax my grip because your hand must be empty and open before you hold anything (unless you want to hit something, which is a common when it comes to birds). And I remember holding a bird, tracing the down outlines of its little neck. Real birds are better than illusions.

Today's theme: relationships.

Amy told me my bright spot doesn't exist. Morgann told me I shouldn't have bothered with bright spots in the first place. Farren, in disconnected conversation, tells me she's eating ice cream over birds and bright spots. The theme is the same: let go. Reminds me of that poem by e e cummings:

let it go-the
smashed word broken
open vow or
the oath cracked length
wise-let it go it
was sworn to
go

let them go-the
truthful liars and
the false fair friends
and the boths and
neithers-you must let them go they
were born
to go

let all go-the
big small middling
tall bigger really
the biggest and all
things-let all go
dear
so comes love

_______

Colin's been IMing me. After five years, he broke it off with his fiancee; now he wants to call and check up on her. Morgann wants to check on Charlie. And now I'm worried because I don't think I'm going to find anyone who fits me better than Will. Maybe I should check up on him, just to see...

No, I need to get some sleep. It's late, and none of these questions will be answered. And often things are clearer during the day. Or I'm not as susceptible to these emotional torrents...

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

This Manic Moment is Brought To You By the #8

One of the pretty rocks I pocketed during short walks with Buddha: Be aware of the consequences you put forth. Another: enjoy the pretty rocks.

Late-night advice swaps always seem like a good idea. But I gave Morgann shoddy advice. She helped me, I wanted to help back. Profundity plugged my tiny ears, and her silent mouthing became opportunity for me to talk. We played ventriloquist for a while, but I am the dummy.

Words haven't meant anything for years. The corresponding emotions aren't corresponding--they are generally absent. And while I write this, I see the implications this statement has--writer's block, misunderstandings... I talk a lot but mean very little. Not that I intend to be a blow-hard or deceive people. I've simply learned to think out loud, to react without intention. For as deliberate as I am, I squeeze fifteen thousand hours of conversation for every ounce of action. "Meaning" is the lesson du jour.

This moment I'm straying from my planned path. I had intended to write you guys about Chris and how she threw away my favorite rock. And how I think Morgann and Charlie should be together, but last night I should have only pointed her back to herself in that exact moment...

Everything, all these windy side-streets and fast thoroughfares, seems to be pointing toward this endpoint of intention. Being fully aware of the impact of your actions. Being even more deliberate, not in the sense of "deliberation" but more in the sense that you approach the world from a position of choice. When you're able to understand better how your day will ripple, you also have a heightened capacity for play. Play is important and completely undervalued. It is the creative approach to any situation. When necessity takes over, when survival fights for top-billing, we lose something vastly important. And I don't understand all of what I'm saying. My brain is flying at fifty miles per minute. Like Don said, we can understand (think/hear) 640 wpm. But I can only type, like, 50. So you're missing out on at least 550. Fill in the blanks, people. Keep up.

Somehow, in my tiny brain, I'm seeing how these things fit together. I'm seeing how my atheistic, angry past and my agnostic tendencies despite being pretty firmly Christian all seem to be working together. Because you can be more intentional about things. I've been very ignorant, and sometimes by choice because it hurts to remember all these big questions and the corresponding pain of void. When there's nothing and no hope of anything bigger, you must focus in closely to the task at hand. Like ants thrown off-course by the juicy winds sadistic children blow, you sort of wander around in circles until you pick up your old scent. And then you file back in line. But that's where the idea of God picks up, and God in a personal, daily sense. A lot of what I find people attribute to God or put on God could be taken care of if they'd simply move their ass. (Yes, I'm speaking to myself in the third person. It's much easier to detach from this... But then detachment is another issue, wholly intertwined, like everything...) This whole idea of relationships and relations and nothing is every cut-and-dry one thing. They're all connected.

God, I hate divisions. And yet I maintain them in my daily life, by either acting purely from reaction or whatever...

I've taken my precious rocks, found over years of searching, and thrown them into the air. Obviously, some hit me in the head this morning, but now I have this fun scavenger hunt to play the rest of the day...

Ticker Tape

You know what it is? This cabin is the reason I moved out here. It was the deciding "pro" over Minneapolis and Milwaukee. No cabin almost feels like no reason for staying. But that's not exactly true... I've yet to find someone who smells like monsoon afternoons or orange blossom sunsets or Milky Way midnights, but I keep a bit of faith stored away to uncork when I'm feeling lonely. Because I must hold out--there are so many lessons to learn up here...

Oh, and Morgann voted "pro."

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Life Decisions By Committee

While the final count has yet to be made, the verdict looks pretty firm:

Onward to new community and the horizon as seen from Washington Ave.

Voting went as follows:

Pro: Beau, Dann, Me
Con: Mom, Me
Not present: Morgann, Farren

While I got two votes, I cancelled myself out.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Take It or Bake It

And thus, with a smattering of confusion and a thick shower of fall leaves, I break into religious contemplation. Sorta.

This God thing is too big for my little brain. That is my conclusion. I won't attempt to supplement this conclusion with an explanation, I'll just leave it at that. Thus ends my religious contemplation. (And there was much rejoicing.)

I came back knowing the Brian thing wouldn't work. Actually, I knew it from the beginning, but I, Lindsay, the girl who will dissociate from absolutely anyone without reason or forewarning, wasn't the first to say goodbye. Not that I wasn't right there with him. My dress rehearsals of "this isn't working out" and "it's not you, it's me" all went well. But the curtain lifts over Clubside and two coffees, and a trapdoor malfunctions. And so prayers were answered in a weird, roundabout way: with his "You should know that I'm seeing someone else." Which achieved the same result but hit me straight in the ego. For good measure, I could hear God jokingly say. That pinch to grow an inch served with each birthday cake. Brian and I hugged on the street corner, he said he hoped it wouldn't be weird, and I drove home, belting out an impromptu opera about irony and the silly complexity of human emotions. [Helpful hint: when making up an opera, use big German words like "der Zebrastreifen" ("crosswalk") and "die Geschirrspuelmachine" ("dishwasher") to make it sound more passionate.]

But the funny thing? I don't much care. Telling all you guys about this seems to disprove my last statement, but I'll implicate myself further if I tell you why I don't care. And so I quietly evade all your questions. (Hey, something new!) And I try to avoid thinking about why I don't care because I've thought about that long enough already.

Yesterday morning, Joy stopped me at church. Not in the CS Lewis sense, but in the "I know a girl named Joy, and she is looking for a roommate" literal sense. She and her roommate, Justin, envisioned starting a ministry for the street kids in Olympia. But things have shifted for them. The ministry isn't thriving like they thought, and new challenges have arisen. This is where my new challenges come in. I now have the opportunity to live in a Christian community, one that seems devoid of the usual "Christian" nonsense. This would force me to give up a lot of my present assumptions and ideas--Justin kindly offered me some "rescued" tortillas from, if I understood correctly, a local grocery store dumpster. This is where my lifestyle would shift drastically. Not only because of the new things I'd be exposed to, but also for the simple reason that I'd be forced to scrounge for a new job, or some source of supplemental income to pay rent because, while Fox's supplies me with enough money to break even with car insurance, health insurance, and the bi-monthly trip to the grocery store, there is no way I'd be able to add a $400/month rent bill on top of that without draining my savings... Joy was telling me that she's been learning from Justin how to rest in faith, and made a passing comment that my impulsive move to the Pacific Northwest is equally inspiring to her. But for some reason, this job situation seems to be really stepping out in faith. I am a commitment-phobe, and I'm a luxury-glutton. If something's working alright, I'm hesitant to risk it for something that may possibly reap amazing benefits. Gambling is not my forte.

As my last entry hints, I've been praying a lot differently in the last two weeks. Especially in this last week. Not that I think there are shortcuts or anything like that. I just started praying about the parts I've been deliberately avoiding, thinking I could strong-arm my way to the conclusion I want. And while my brief experiences with really listening and seeking God ended up radically changing my life for the better, I'm still uncomfortable with this... And the weird developments that have been happening recently make me even more uncomfortable because that means what I've been saying is true, and what I've actually practiced is crap. When God fortifies my empty words with meaning, I always feel this way.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

A Hot-House Tomato Asks for More

Safe prayer is not effective.

The themes of security and self-preservation justify my own laziness and fear. Laziness and fear. Two slugs endlessly devouring each other.